Dear PorPor

Dear Porpor,

I would give anything, to see you, to hold you, to touch you and to hug you just one more time. For all the 19 years being here with you, I know I have never told you how much I love you and how much I enjoy your company, your stories, your jokes. How much I miss your cooking, your cakes, your dishes, your keropok.

Dear Porpor,

I am sure you can see me now. You can see me every moment. I would like to apologize if you don’t like what you see. I am trying my best to recover from the loss, but it is very difficult. This is by far the worst loss I have suffered.

I would like to apologize for not spending enough time with you, especially for the past year and a half. I am sorry I don’t go back often from college, I guess I am too caught up with my studies that I forgot about the most important thing in my life-family.

I have lots of regrets. Given the chance to turn back time, I would have gone home more often just to spend time with you. I would have taken extra holidays form the past Chinese New Year so that I can spend time with you. I would have gone home to celebrate Mothers’ Day with you, rather than staying here, merely studying. I would have bought something or just given you a hug on your birthday which we celebrated together. I would have called home more often, I would have called you whenever I got back any good results.

I know you have gone to a better place, but I really miss you. You are an amazing woman, you know. I have no words good enough to describe you, to say all the great things you have done. Whenever I think of you, I miss you more and more. I just can’t believe I won’t be able to see u again. I have always hoped you will be able to travel to UK when im there, to attend my grand graduation. I know you will still attend, but I wish I can see your happy face, see you physically there.

I can never talk about you without shedding a tear. I have so much to say to you. I wish I can hear your voice just once more. I wish I can complain to you about stuff. Sometimes I hate myself. I never learn from my mistakes. I have lost a few other family members, and I didn’t learn to appreciate the people around me more.

Dear Porpor,

I would like to thank you for being one of the most amazing woman I have known. Thank you for keeping the family together, after the loss of your beloved husband. Tell kong kong I say hi. Although I have never seen him before, I am still his granddaughter. I would like to thank you for taking care of me, since the day I was born till now. I would like to thank you, for teaching me your secret recipes, for baking sponge cakes and fruit cakes for me just because I love eating them. I would like to thank you for sewing me beautiful clothes, for making me beautiful pyjamas, and most of all, giving teddy a face and clothes to wear. I will hold teddy tightly, because it reminds me of you. But most important of all, I would like to thank you, for teaching me the value of a family. The importance of family. The happiness of having a close-knitted family. That is something no one else in the world can do, except you.

I am glad you are somewhere happier, porpor. I really hope to meet you again one day, if I am good enough, as good as you. But I have to tell you one thing porpor, I am really really REALLY sad because I cannot remember when was the last time I talked and touched you when you were alive, I can’t remember the last thing I said to you, I can’t remember when was the last time I ate with you.

I miss you so much porpor. I just want you to know that I love you so much, more than you know. I will always remember you, and tell great stories of you to the next generation in our family. Be well and happy porpor. Love you always.

p/s : I finally plucked up the courage to type this. Everytime I want to do so, I will hesitate, because I know I will cry. But this time, I just HAD to type it. And im crying like a baby this instant. Im glad, though, that I typed this.