determination.

when i was in form 5, i was LAZY.

seriously my work were all last minute.

But i had my ways to motivate myself..

I would picture myself on the day of the results:

Would it be tears of joy or tears of sorrow?
Will my parents smile and feel proud or would they feel disappointed?
Will they speak words of happiness, or would they be whispering words of comfort to me?
Will they be proud and happy when people ask them my results, or would they try to avoid that question?
Will I be locking myself in my room, ashamed of myself, or will i be enjoying my days without any worries?
Will i REGRET not paying attention in class and completing my work?
Will i disappoint the teachers who had my back or will i give the chance to those who were not in favour of me to say "TOLD YA!!"?
Will my parent's money and effort of sending my up and down to tuitions, far and near be worth it?

yes. i imagined stuffs. I imagined my reaction. Sometimes i feel so encouraged by the thoughts that i wouldnt sleep all night..

and i still remember my reaction when the results were out. I did not feel anything when the teacher told me, i even doubted him. my 'papa'. =)

until my form teacher gave our slips to us, then we screamed. But there were no tears from any four of us. I was happy, i was speechless.

i called my mum, but before i could tell her my results, i cried. I CRIED. knowing that i made my parents proud, that all my efforts were worth it, that i did not disappoint anyone, that i went beyond my imagination, because all i had in mind was straight A's, not straight A1's. But yes, i did it. All my years of studying, struggling, i did it. my finale of my high school life.. was perfect.

i was of course happy for my other friends too, coz they did very VERY well. =)

and when i was in school to collect my 'best student' award, i know my parents felt proud. At last, my teachers can see the proud parents, mr and mrs suah. At last, they will know the faces of the two individuals who brought up their children well, without any nagging, scolding, and with the freedom to make our own decisions after they explained the pros and cons of doing certain things. Even though we didnt get a picture of them and myself on stage, i KNOW, just KNOW, they were proud, and still are.

and i remember the day JPA results were out, I was so afraid that this time, i might have lost the battle because I talk too much (during the interview). I was afraid to face the results, i was afraid to check. Though my parents said its out of my control and it doesnt matter if i dont get it, i knew they would be disappointed if i failed to grab that scholarship. However thanks to lim zihan, I finally had to courage to face the results. and yes, we all know whats the results. =)

it was during wesak eve. and i CRIED. as i prayed and chanted to welcome wesak dawn, as i looked at the Buddha image in the shrine hall, i cried. Knowing once again, i did it. i never thought i would come this far, that i would make my parents proud again. but yes, elynn suah did it.

i will ALWAYS remember what i felt on those three occasions. because it makes me feel so precious, so motivated, and knowing that no effort goes unpaid.

and that feeling will motivate me. I want to feel that way again. I want my parents to feel that way again, and again, as many times as i can.

I want 45. i want at least 40 for sem exams.

YES. i have wasted 2 months here in KMB. i have been playful. But this is a promise to myself, i wont take this lightly. this is my future. i will fly. i will obtain 45, and this time, my parents will be beside me when i check my results. i need tears of joy.

YES.. YES. i have that picture in mind.

i will fly. i will board the plane, and i will land in the oh-so-familiar airport i visited 11 years ago. I will make sure my parents and my family will fly too, fly to the land we once lived and visited. YES. YES. i will.

with enough inspiration, motivation, and encouragement from the people around me, i can.

i am determined. and i will do it. watch me.