growin up..

im back here again after going to bangkok, kl, and now juz after swimming.. somehow i wish time just doesnt fly that fast.. time flies too fast.. and i hate growing up.. i never like it.. growing up needs so much patience and strongness.. having my heart broken so many times by so mny people, i really dont wanna grow up.. coz i noe.. in this life.. being a teenager and growing up is not easy.. and when i am an adult.. life will be more challenging and more difficult.. sometimes i think to myself, when is this all going top end? when will i actually grow up and will be mature anough to think of what is right and what is wrong and be able to make the right move.. coz all this while i realised i've taken the wrong step all along.. i was so in a rush that i didnt think the feeling of others, only mine.. sometimes i think to myself.. is it worh it for me to change myself.. just to please people.. but not myself? i try so hard to make people like me.. love me.. accept me for who i am.. but still they show no reaction.. and worse, i feel bad about myself.. sometimes i just feel like giving up, dont wanna live anymore.. but God doesnt want me to give up.. somehow i find the will and courage to stand up again and to continue with this life.. altho inside im hurting so much that my heart could really stop functioning.. i just dont know.. i might seem happy outside but im not inside.. i wonder if i could ever turn back time.. just once.. if i could, i'll turn back time to when i was just borned.. then i could see the world in another way.. coz i noe i made a mistake.. i looked at the world in a different way.. in the wrong way.. somehow rather i wish we wouldnt grow up.. i still remember those days when i was very young.. going to school.. kindergarten.. holding my fren's hand.. tho he was a guy.. but we were small and it didnt matter.. we loved each other as frens.. and when we were in england.. sis loved me so much.. i mean, she showed her love for me.. held my hand.. and when i accidentally pushed her down, she sad its ok.. when i started standard 1.. made new frens.. no such thing as.. 'she's a bitch' or watever.. and also.. starting tuitions for the first time.. fun.. and going australia with my family.. having fun there.. barbecueing.. laughing, sleeping, eating without counting calories.. i or rather we didnt worry about a thing.. we just lived our lives the way we want it to be.. but now we've change so much.. we used to bathe together.. change clothes in the same room.. but now we cant.. its not like we cant.. we can if we want to.. but we dont want to.. coz the feeling of shyness is there.. i consider myself lucky not having any ex but just being hurt by people whom i like.. there are other poeple whom have been hurt by those they trust and love most.. and i begin to realise that its in this part of life where you think of yourself as a useless person, wanna die.. and when all your frens back stab you.. and u prefer to be alone.. i've gone thru that and many frens has back stab me.. i still am not sure of who i can and cant trust.. who i can and cant count on when i am feeling down.. and who i can turn to for comfort.. i really do hope there's a turning point of my life.. a turning point which makes my life easier and better.. but i do realise that in this life without challenges and pain there will be no fun.. somehow i prefer my life to be controlled by me.. where i can do anything i want.. and for people to not complain about me.. and i can stand up for myself without getting scolded by my damn bloody teachers.. i hate them.. its like i dont hvae a personal life with them around noeing what i write online.. i do have a personal life k.. i just dont know.. i used to love school but not now.. and i think i will never.. whenever i think of school the hatred feeling is there.. i just dont know why.. i feel like going to bm and living with jae mie.. tat way i feel better coz i can talk to jae mie.. she kinda understands me.. she seems rather happy to go to school.. i just dont get it.. why do people think im good? im not good.. im just a normal person.. not even close to perfect.. just treat me like a normal human.. dont need to compare me with other people.. i think i seriously dont get the meaning of 'ups and downs of life' .. i dont know what to think anymore.. guess i'll talk to someone tonite to let go of everything.. some things cant be described in words..